It's general wisdom to know and understand that life is never going to go according to plan. One never expects the worst, and then is surprised when it actually happens. A control freak such as myself would never imagine that, even after taking a hundred precautions, that things could still end up being shitty. I have a ledger for a budget that became useless for the three weeks or so that I was unemployed. The bills continued to pile up. My attitude toward the situation became one of defiance.
"I'm not broke. I'll have the money in no time."
Now after three weeks of employment, let me rephrase that.
"I'll have the money AT no time."
At least I'm finally able to pay my car bill and insurance. But next week I'm off to pay my cell and my half of the rent.
With the Red Sox on fire (FI-YAH) the past couple weeks, I thought I'd get fired up, too. All that "fire" burnt a big hole in my already waning pockets, then smoldered through my cloak of sanity. I like to drink. But, I don't necessarily like being drunk. I like feeling uninhibited, but not undone. Every time I lose control, which in the last few months hasn't been as often as in the past, I promise myself to not let it happen again. But a couple weeks go by and then I'm on another rampage.
My aim for my life in the last 7 years has been a general idea of "Balance". Sometimes I feel like I'm so close to achieving it, then I meander away from that path. Whether it be by drinking or failing a class, losing my job or ending a relationship, I have ended up falling short of my set goals along the walk of life. I always end up setting myself back, or ending up in an unexpected/difficult position.
How do I take control of this tendency to fall off track? Maybe it's not matter of control, but of will? In that case, how do I maintain, or even find, the will that has not been so readily available as of late? How do I shake the nagging self-criticism and truly believe in my personal power? How can I improve my diminished self-image? I wish there was some easy way. But I know there is no magic cure for years of mental and physical self-abuse. All I can do is start all over, and again try to not let everything fall apart.
